Don't throw a party

How do you go through a situation and not feel guilty for being the one to cause most of the issues and hardships in a relationship? This is not a pity party. It's a reflection of myself and the realization of needing to simply do one thing. Grow up.

Sometimes I question if I'm ready for this. But will I ever be ready? Sometimes you have to go through the motions to learn the lesson. I think about what my mom prayed over me the other day and it brings me to tears again. She called me her little girl and for some reason that statement meant worlds to me. There was something so precious and so preserving about that statement. I felt precious to her and I took pride in what she said. She's letting me go to grow up, and it's a scary thought. I've been so protected by my family for all of my life regardless of the "grown up" things I've done, such as live in Africa or Guatemala. I still came home to their safety and their shelter. 

I haven't had a lot of opportunities to "be on my own" not just physically, like in my own place, but to the extent of my thoughts and how I handle certain situations. I'm such a highly dependent person that I don't allow myself to really think for myself or train myself to deal with situations with my own reasoning. I just react how I  think people would want me to and not in a manner that is necessarily significant to me. 

What is all of this I'm blabbering on about? I'm not even sure.

I guess I'm trying to look at myself and see what it is that makes up who I am, what causes these weaknesses that I struggle with. And what I can do to make myself stronger.

He says these things because he loves me, because he is committed to me. I should give him this at least. Sometimes I wonder how I can be his favorite. But that's the mystery of love, somehow I am. I want to be better for him and I want to figure it all out. 

Aye yay yay, I need to get to bed.